More than a Beautiful Possession
by Cosette 24601
Summary: Her siblings might want to hold on, but forgetting was her way of coping. How to cope with losing Narnia and how to cope with losing the only man to ever truly value her and love her. But now she has not only lost her country and love but her family as well. But can this foreign exchange student who knows way too much about her change how she feels?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia. Duh**

**This story is a short fic I made for St. Valentine's Day. I plan for it to be two chapters, and hopefully I'll get the next one either before the day is over or soon after to keep in the holiday mood. This story is completely movieverse. I skipped some parts, assuming the reader has seen the movie. **

After speaking with the Professor, Caspian went to seek out Queen Susan. He could tell that she now despised him by the look she had given him after he almost made that evil deal with the White Witch. He knew he had no right to ask for her forgiveness and she had every right to despise him, but he would make an attempt, even if all that would come of it was her putting him down. He had only just realized how much he was in love with her, and though he knew he had no chance with her, he could not stand having her hate him.

Susan was sitting alone, staring out towards the woods. Her ankles were crossed and she sat straight, as though the ground was her throne. Caspian lingered, unsure of how to approach her. He gazed at her dark hair, admiring how it flowed down her back. Apparently she had heard him walk up, because she suddenly said in a flat, cold voice, "I do not wish to speak with you, Caspian." She continued to stare out towards the woods and ignore him.

"Please hear me out, my lady. Your majesty," Caspian fumbled. Susan crossed her arms across her chest, but did not forbid him from speaking, so he sat next to her. She turned her head slightly away from him.

"Your majesty, about what happened-"

"I do not wish to hear some half-hearted ridiculous excuse, your highness," she said coldly. Caspian felt almost a physical pain at her words.

"It's not half-hearted!" Caspian cried out, then caught himself. "I must ask your pardon, your majesty. I didn't mean to yell."

"Out of everything you have done, that's what you apologize for?" Susan said in the same cold voice.

"Your brother almost gave in to her too!" Caspian yelled, and then winced at his own harsh words. He saw Susan's jaw harden and she finally turned to him, but it was to glare at him. Caspian felt his blood rush and his heart started pounding. She might have been known as the Gentle, but her look now was anything but that. He started wondering if she had a dagger on her person and scooted back a bit.

"Yes, I know. He said there was some powerful magic in that ring, and we do not hold it against you that while you were in that ring, you found her difficult to resist. However, you were clearly there before the ring was created. Why were you even in a room with the likes of a hag and a werewolf? Why would you allow them to draw the circle? And I certainly hope this was their idea and not yours! And even before that, you chose an attempt at revenge at the bloody expense of Narnian lives. Did their lives mean so little to you that you would waste them so?" she said fiercely.

She glared at him, and he felt so incredibly small and insignificant. He looked down at the ground, ashamed to even look at her. She was the queen of legend. The queen known for disdaining the many kings and princes who sought her hand. If they weren't good enough for her to marry, how could he ever be good enough for her to even consider him? For her to even forgive him? He, the son of the enemies who took Narnia from their people; the Telmarine who nearly brought back the evil White Witch who had enslaved Narnians for a century; the hot-tempered boy who sought revenge against his uncle over the lives of the Narnians.

As he stared towards the ground, Susan felt herself soften. She hadn't meant to lose her temper on him, rather like Peter had. Caspian looked so ashamed, like Edmund had after returning from the White Witch. Susan suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to take Caspian into her arms and comfort him. She settled for taking his chin in her hand and raising his head to look at her.

"Your majesty?" he asked tentatively, dropping his eyes, afraid of what he would see in her eyes if he looked in them. But if he had only looked up he would have seen only tenderness and kindness, and perhaps even love.

"I'm sorry for losing my temper right now. But I do want answers from you, since you have already sought me out anyways," Susan said, much more calmly than she had before. Caspian felt soothed by her words.

"My queen, I have failed you," he said, reaching out his hands. She hesitated, but then placed her hands on them and allowed him to run his thumbs over her fingers, feeling her skin become warm where he touched her. Caspian felt his heart skip a beat at her touch.

"I know I've done wrong. I know I will never be deserving of your forgiveness. Especially after knowingly turning to your worst enemies, an ultimate, unforgivable betrayal," Caspian began, stopping when Susan pulled one of her hands out of his and gently placing it against his lips.

"There is nothing you can do that would be so horrid that it would be unforgivable. Never say that. If there was a such a possibility, my own brother would have been lost to me after his betrayal to the Witch," Susan pleaded earnestly. Caspian shook his head.

"He's your brother. And the king, Aslan's chosen. I'm… I'm a prince of the people who stole Narnia from the Narnians and drove them into hiding," Caspian said, dropping his head again. Susan placed her hand on his neck.

"You're the one who inspired them, gave them hope enough to leave hiding. And you may not be a king of Narnia yet, but I know Aslan has plans for you. I've never heard of my horn having power to create portals between the worlds before. He would have never let you blowing it to have such an effect if he didn't have plans for you. And as for Edmund being my brother, yes that did factor into my forgiving him, because I care deeply about him. But… even if I only just met you, I care about you too."

"You do?" Caspian said, his shock at everything else she said disappearing at the realization that she, the beautiful Queen of old, might care about him, even the littlest bit.

"Of course. We all do. Including Peter. _Especially_ Peter. He might not show it well, but as his sister, I can always tell," Susan said comfortingly, running a hand up and down his arm. Caspian blinked, not quite believing her, but hoping against all hope that it was true.

"Thank you, my queen. I do not deserve these kind words, but your faith in me will drive me to do my best for Narnia. And I pledge my life in service to you, my queen, and would gladly give up my life fighting for you," he said, taking her hand and bending down to kiss it reverently. His lips lingered far too long over her hand. Susan impulsively ran her fingers through his hair. Caspian looked up and gazed into her eyes longingly, wishing for more of her healing touch, but afraid to ask and make her despise him for being too presumptuous. He longed desperately for her to comfort him, for him to be able to ask more of her than simply allowing him to fight and die for her.

Susan saw the love in his eyes. Although she had many suitors as queen and many boys interested in her in England, she had never been looked this way before. All her suitors had been interested in possessing her, a pretty object to show off. Some of the boys in England were better about realizing a girl may have feelings and a life, but were all too young for love.

"Your siblings are probably going to wonder where you are eventually," Caspian said awkwardly, trying to get a grasp on reality, rather than his daydreams of himself and Susan.

Susan felt hurt. Was he trying to get rid of her? "Yes, I suppose so," she said, a bit more coldly than she meant.

Caspian noticed the coldness, and was confused what made her suddenly turn cold towards him again. "I'm sorry if something I said was inappropriate, your majesty," he said, confusion and pain apparent in his voice.

"Oh, no," Susan said absentmindedly. She began to stand and Caspian tried to help her up.

"I can stand up by myself perfectly fine, thank you very much," Susan said, a bit sarcastically.

Caspian's face flushed and he gave her a small bow, saying, "Forgive me, your majesty. I did not mean to presume otherwise."

Susan felt embarrassed for overreacting so. She had a feeling her time in Narnia would be shorter this time, and did not want to waste any more time with useless quarreling.

"No, I fear I am to blame for overreacting so," she said calmly.

"You could never be at blame for anything, you're perfect," Caspian blurted out before realizing what he had said. He blushed and stepped back, stammering, "I'm sorry, didn't I mean I, um."

Susan was generally not the impulsive type. But if her time in Narnia might be running out, she should act before losing time. She tenderly put a hand to his cheek, smoothly caressing it and then moving it to the back of his neck, her fingers entangled in his hair. His eyes widened in surprise and hope. He hesitantly put his arm on her waist and pulled her towards him slightly.

"Um, just _what_ is going on here?" Edmund asked, walking in on the two. They both blushed and quickly stepped away. Edmund simply shook his head and said, "Peter's gonna kill you if he finds out."

"No! No, it's… it's not what it looks like," Susan protested. Edmund lazily lifted an eyebrow, clearly not believing her.

"The Telmarine army," Caspian suddenly said unexpectedly. Susan and Edmund turned to him in confusion and then saw the army gathering.

"I should go get Pete," Edmund said, hurrying off.

"So, um…" Caspian started. Susan shot him a look and he quickly busied himself with looking over the Telmarine army, realizing pushing any further would probably not end well for him.

* * *

After Caspian had saved Susan in the woods, there was no choice but for them to ride the horse together. Not that either of them were too upset over that. Susan laid her head on the back of his shoulder. Caspian had to hold back from grinning like an idiot. They were about to go into battle, he simply had to stop thinking of the incredible woman who was touching him, holding him. Suddenly Susan pulled back and sat upright again. Caspian stole a glance back, hurt, and she whispered, "We're almost there. Let's not distract Peter by getting him angry while he's fighting."

Caspian nodded and added seriously, "I'd also rather not anger him while he has a weapon in hand." Susan merely laughed, before sobering at the sight of her brother fighting Miraz.

* * *

"My queen," Caspian called to Susan, who was sitting by the window, reading a book. "Um, ahhh, I wished to speak with you. So... what are you reading?" He didn't actually care, but his eloquence seemed to be failing him when he needed it the most.

She lifted the book to show him the cover. It was entitled _The Legendary Gentle Queen._

"Oh, fairy tales. I don't think such a person ever existed," Susan said teasingly. Caspian was captivated by the smile she gave.

"You must be right. It's unfair for anyone to be so brave, so intelligent, so loving, so beautiful, and never miss a shot. That would make them far too perfect," Caspian said, sitting on the couch beside her and daring to stroke her cheek. When she didn't react, he quickly pulled his hand back, but then she reached and pulled his hand back to her cheek.

"Yes, it's impossible. No one is perfect. I'm sure this legendary queen had many faults," Susan said.

"On the contrary, I think she had none. It's no wonder that so many sought her hand, but were not worthy of her. I wonder what a man would have to do to be worthy of her, if such a man even exists," Caspian said questioningly. He gazed into her eyes, looking for answers. She hesitated before continuing.

"Those seeking her hand most likely only noticed one of the qualities you mentioned: her beauty. A beautiful object to possess, to show off. To have their way with at night," she said bitterly.

"I would never do that to you," Caspian whispered, dropping the façade. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and she leaned back into his chest, accepting his comfort. "You are so much more than simply a beauty. Your passion, your independence, your strength, your intelligence, none of those would exist anymore if you were to be locked away like a pretty jewel."

"Thank you," Susan said, tears in her eyes.

"Why do you cry… my love?" Caspian added the "my love" part hesitantly. He could feel his palms getting sweaty and heart pounding and hoped she hadn't noticed.

Susan suddenly jerked away from him, staring at his face. She didn't know her own feelings. She had never felt this way before. If it was love she was feeling, then how could she ever return to England? She then bit her lip uncertainly, and whispered, "I'm afraid."

Caspian grabbed her about her shoulders, bringing her closer to him again and pleaded, "Why? Are you scared of me? I swear, by Aslan himself, I would never _ever_ do anything to harm you, and never see you as a possession."

Susan only cried harder and wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him in so close that there was just a few inches of space between them. "I love you, King Caspian, king of my heart."

"And I love you, legendary Gentle Queen Susan, queen of my heart," he whispered passionately. They looked into each other's eyes and leaned in even closer, their lips about to touch.

"Susan! Hey, um… what's going on here?" Peter said, running in and then looking at them suspiciously. Caspian and Susan both quickly drew back from each other like they had been burned, their faces red with embarrassed at being caught. Caspian scooted as far away from Susan as the couch would allow.

"So… what exactly was just going on in here?" Peter asked again, after neither would respond.

"Nothing, we were just talking," Susan said a bit too quickly.

"Mhmm, sure," Peter said, amused. "Anyways, I came to get you because Aslan wants to talk to us." Caspian started to get up, so Peter clarified, "Susan and I, alone. He said for you to assemble the Telmarines and Narnians while the three of us talked." Caspian looked hurt, but sat back down. Peter extended his arm towards his sister and she took it. Caspian stared longingly after her and was rewarded when she looked behind herself at him with the same longing look. Peter glanced towards her, and she quickly faced forwards again.

As he escorted her towards the part of the castle where Aslan was waiting for them, Peter brusquely asked, "Are you and Caspian in love?"

"What! Of all ridiculous… I've only just met him. One does not fall in love that quickly. It's not practical. It's a thing of fairy tales."

"So are four children coming through a wardrobe and defeating an evil witch," Peter teased. "C'mon sis, I'm your brother. I can tell these things."

"How would you? I've never been in love before," Susan retorted.

"Ah, so you admit you're in love," Peter said triumphantly.

Susan pulled out her arm and smacked Peter's arm with a glare that was really more of a smile.

"C'mon sis," he said, grabbing her hand. She tensed for a moment, then relaxed.

"I figured you would be more upset that happy about it. You always despised the suitors who came for my hand. This world and the other one."

"So did you," Peter pointed out.

"Not all of them. The whole Calormene incident would have never happened if I had despised Rabadash from the beginning as you did."

"Because I could tell he was trying to buy your affection. He never looked at you like Caspian looks at you nor you at him like you do Caspian- really did you think I hadn't noticed?" Peter said, noticing Susan's surprise. "You're my sister, I pay attention because I don't want any man to hurt you. Or think they can buy you."

"And you think Caspian won't hurt me or try to buy me?" Susan said with a smile.

"I don't think so. But I am keeping my eyes on him so if he does either of those, he better watch out or his head will wonder where the rest of his body went," Peter said threatening.

Susan smiled and gave her brother a big hug. "There's the overprotective brother I love."

* * *

Caspian returned from assembling the Telmarines and Narnians for whatever it was Aslan was planning. For whatever it was that apparently he could tell Peter and Susan but not him. Caspian had been a bit hurt by that. He thought Aslan had trusted him, despite his Telmarine background, but it seemed that trust only went so far. He suddenly saw the three of them walking past as he hurried down the stairs. He stopped and gave a quick bow. He saw sadness in Susan's eyes as she looked at him, and he wondered at what it meant. He worried that Peter might have found out and forbidden her from being around him, but Peter had no anger in his eyes, only the same sadness Susan had.

* * *

Susan was torn by what Aslan had told her. Leaving the first time was impossible, but they hadn't known they were leaving, so they were able to do it. How was she supposed to be able to just walk away from Narnia? And from… Caspian? Susan shook her head sadly. She never was the type to plan her life around boys before, but now that she knew that type of love, it would leave a hole she feared may never heal. She saw him walk up to them and had to restrain herself from crying. _I am a Queen. I do not cry over boys, _she told herself stubbornly.

* * *

Susan was touched by Caspian's devotion to Peter in promising to protect his sword until their return. But she knew they had to speak up and tell Caspian themselves.

"That's just it. We're not coming back," she said. She couldn't bear to tell him goodbye.

Caspian's vision blurred. He barely understood what was going on as Susan and Peter explained that Aslan said they weren't to return. He felt his heavy heart lift slightly as Peter said he thought Lucy and Edmund would be able to return. But not _her…_

"I'm glad I came back," Susan said, approaching Caspian.

"I wish we had more time together," Caspian said fervently. Susan saw the pain and his eyes and tried to ease it by joking about the age difference. She was happy to see a small smile escape from him, although it didn't quite reach his eyes. Susan turned to leave the scene gracefully, but then looked back, realizing it was now or never, so screw propriety and etiquette. She ran up to him and kissed him passionately.

Caspian froze in disbelief. He had only just gotten used to the idea that she had forgiven him, he still couldn't believe that she would have any interest in him after spurning so many. Now they were showing their love with a kiss. Showing her love for him in front of everyone, especially… yikes Peter. But Peter was only looking on in amusement, not anger. Susan stopped kissing him and gazed into his eyes. He saw the pain in her eyes and realized how hard leaving was for her. He grabbed her, not knowing if he was trying to comfort her or himself. When he felt her pull away, it was all he could do to keep from grabbing her and forcing her to stay right there in his arms, forever. When she left, so would his heart, for she was the queen of his heart.

Susan knew she could stay no longer. She joined her siblings, in the formation they had made so often. When she entered the train station, she knew that was it. She would never love a man the way she had. It didn't matter that eventually the boys in England would grow up and mature, they would never be Caspian, the king of her heart.

It started out as a feeling  
Which then grew into a hope  
Which then turned into a quiet thought  
Which then turned into a quiet word  
And then that word grew louder and louder  
'Til it was a battle cry  
I'll come back when you call me  
No need to say goodbye


	2. Chapter 2

**So I lied. This ended up getting really long, so there's going to be at least 3 chapters for this story (maybe more depending on how long the next one takes). My goal is still to try to finish this while it's still close to Valentine's Day, but we'll see if that actually happens. **

"Seriously? Parker?" Peter practically barked at Susan.

"Have you not seen the wondrous gifts he's been giving me?" Susan sighed dreamily.

"Yeah, to try to _buy_ your love. He's no better than the other 5 guys you've gone out with this year alone, and it's not even summer yet!" Peter snarled.

"So? If he treats me well, and gives me nice things, why shouldn't I go out with him?" Susan said defiantly.

"Treats you well? Since when do you consider boys using you as a pretty accessory for their arm treating you well?" Peter said, grabbing his sister by the shoulders.

"Oh, shut up! You'd hate any boy who so much as glances in my direction!" Susan snapped back.

"Really, Su? I was perfectly fine with you snogging the boy who actually loved you for you in front of… well, everyone. Well, not perfectly fine with it, but I didn't even try to stop it," Peter said. Susan tensed, and Peter felt like kicking himself for bringing up Caspian, even if he hadn't said his name. He knew how much Susan hated Caspian being brought up. She never quite got over him.

"That's what all this is about, isn't it?" Peter said, hugging his sister. She gave him a confused look, and he continued, "All these boys you try out. You're trying desperately to replace him. But you move on because of course none of them are anywhere near close to being as wonderful as him."

"Careful there, Pete. People are going to start thinking you're in love with him too," Susan teased. Peter rolled his eyes.

"But aren't I right?" Peter said seriously. Susan looked down, and when she looked back up at him, Peter could see tears in her eyes. Suddenly, she grabbed him and buried her face in his chest.

"Susan?" Peter said, a bit shocked. Susan had always been so strong, so independent, the one who spent her time caring for them, not the other way around. But losing Narnia and Caspian had hit her the hardest.

"I wish we had never come back," she whispered.

"Me too, but Aslan said," Peter began.

"No, I meant I wish we had died there, fighting for Narnia, instead of coming back to this," Susan cried.

"You don't mean that," Peter said, shivering.

* * *

Caspian often wondered if he would see Susan again in Aslan's country. Or if he would even see any of them again. He knew Edmund and Lucy were likely to come back, but it took them 1300 years to return last time. Why should he think he would get the honor of having them return twice in his lifetime, when so many lives had passed by without knowing them even once? And even if they did, it wouldn't be the same. He had liked Edmund enough, but Edmund had mostly stayed in the shadow. It was Peter who he had fought with like a brother and admired and looked up to. And it was Susan who inspired him. Who pressed him to continue fighting for Narnia instead of caving in under the weight of his shame. Who had taken his heart. The Queen of his heart.

* * *

Susan was sitting on a terrace, reading the letter Lucy and Edmund had sent. They had gone back. And to make it even more unfair, it was still during Caspian X's reign. But then the worst part, which felt like someone had punched her, was when Edmund mentioned that Caspian had found a girl. Well, a star to be precise. He had moved on, while she still couldn't find any man to compare to him. She started wondering what it was this girl had that she didn't. She had never met a star, but she thought they simply must have incredible powers and such that she could never have.

"Hello, my lady," an American soldier said cockily. "You're Susan, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am," Susan said coldly. Normally she would have been interested, because he was definitely handsome, by almost any girl's standards. Muscular, tall, striking features, dreamy eyes. But finding out about Caspian and the star definitely did not put her in the mood for flirting.

"My mother's friends with yours, and she asked me to stop by to check on you and tell you she'll be coming back later than usual tonight. I'm Andrew, by the way," he said, putting out his hand. Susan glanced at his hand coldly rather than shaking it. He awkwardly stuck it back in his pocket. "I was hoping maybe to step inside for a moment? It's awfully warm out."

Susan sighed. "Yes, come inside. I'll make you some lemonade."

While inside, Susan was grateful the soldier was talkative because it gave her the excuse to not say much.

"Soooo, if you don't mind me asking, what's made you turn all ice queen?" he drawled.

Susan froze, thinking of the White Witch. "Ice queen?"

"From what I've heard, you tend to show interest in every guy before turning all ice queen on them. What makes me so lucky that you dislike me from the start?"

"I, I do not!" Susan protested.

"Hey, just saying what I've heard!" he said, putting his hands up in an innocent gesture.

"And I'm not icy! I… I just… I found out a former beau of mine who I never quite got over has moved on."

"You're kidding!" Andrew said, a bit too loudly. Susan glared at him. "How would a pretty thing like you ever lose a guy?"

"It was… a mutual break up. We… lived too far apart to really be in a relationship," she said sadly.

"Well, you know what's best for getting over an ex who's moved on?" he said, standing and walking over to her.

"No?" she said uncertainly. He grabbed her around the waist and began kissing her. She yanked his hair and kissed him back just as passionately. She let herself get lost in the heat of the moment, forgetting everything else, forgetting the pain.

* * *

"Su! The Professor wants us to call a meeting for the friends of Narnia," Lucy said excitedly. "He invited us and Eustace and Miss Plummer over to dinner this Friday."

"Oh, I simply can't waste time on something like that," Susan said, waving Lucy away. "Jacob is talking me to dinner that night."

"Well," Lucy said sadly, "He said we could arrive as early as 2, so we could go then and you leave early!"

"Oh, but I'm supposed to go meet his parents beforehand. And he says his cousin, who is a prince in Hungary, will be visiting, and he'll introduce us! Imagine that, a real-life prince! Meeting real royalty," Susan sighed.

"Um, what's that make us?" Lucy laughed, confused.

"Ordinary British girls?" Susan responded.

"But in Narnia, we're royalty too."

"Mhmm, of course deary," Susan said. "Now, please go. I'm headed out to the theater with Jacob in an hour and need to start getting prepared."

* * *

"What's with all the make-up?" Peter asked. "You look more beautiful without it. More your queenly self."

"Oh, darling brother. As if I could ever look like a queen. And the makeup brings out my best features, don't you think?" Susan laughed.

"What do you mean 'as if'? You _are_ a queen," Peter responded.

"No I'm not," Susan said with a mean laugh. "Don't be ridiculous."

"But in Narnia- "

"Well, of course we could be royalty in our made-up world. Although I do wonder how you got two adults to play along with you. And why in the world you would want our horrid cousin to play it with you," Susan said idly while fixing her hair. "Up or down, what do you think?"

"Like I know anything about hair. What do you mean "made up world"? Narnia's real, Susan!"

"Peter, you're about to go off to college. It's long overdue for you to grow up and stop playing pretend," Susan said. "Now please, stop distracting me. I need to look good for tonight. The prince of Hungary himself is taking me to the theater."

"You had the prince of Narnia willing to take you anywhere, willing to die for you," Peter murmured. "What's this Hungarian prince got in comparison?"

"Being real?" Susan said. "Now, please, go!" She practically shoved him out the room and locked the door. She then threw herself on her bed and began crying, although she hardly knew why.

* * *

"Hmmm, who's this?" Susan asked, approaching her siblings and cousin who were sitting on the floor alongside some girl Susan had never seen before.

"Jill Pole," Eustace said. "She came to Narnia with me! And we saved the life of Rillian, Caspian's son!" All of Susan's siblings froze at the sound of Caspian's name, and then slowly turned towards her, afraid of her reaction.

Susan choked, and then laughed a rather forced laugh. "Rillian? Caspian? What ridiculous names."

"He's dead," Peter suddenly said forcefully. "Caspian, the only man I've ever seen you be truly in love with, is dead."

Susan froze. Then she suddenly relaxed and laughed again. "Why do I care if someone who was never real and alive to begin with is dead?"

"Because him not being with you hurts you so much that you find it easier to pretend he doesn't exist!" Peter said with a glare. Susan shook her head violently, backing away. She felt tears form in her eyes and she ran outside.

Peter joined her about a minute later, and said nothing, taking her into his arms. She grabbed his shirt and buried her face in it.

"Why does it hurt so much?" she whimpered.

"Because you loved him," Peter whispered back, stroking his sister's hair.

"No, no!" she suddenly said, rather violently. "I can't be in love with a fairy tale we dreamt up. I need to move along with my life. I need to move on. And what a ridiculous character for us to dream up anyways. I remember you not liking him. You would've thought we'd have, I don't know, un-make him up."

Peter looked at her sadly. He cupped her chin in his hands and spoke softly, "When I tried to use force against Edmund to make him a better person, he felt like he had to turn to that evil Witch. I'm not making the same mistake this time. All of us will be there for you, supporting you and helping you find your way back to believing in Narnia. Showing you the way with our love for you. And help you find your way back to Him."

"Him? Whatever are you talking about?" Susan said crossly.

"Why, Aslan of course!" Peter exclaimed. "You surely haven't forgotten _Him_ and all he's done for us!"

"_Aslan _does not exist. Talking lions do not exists, and talking lions who are a god most definitely do not exist!" Susan snarled. "Now let me go clean up. Crying over that fictional character made my mascara run."

Peter didn't even try to stop her. He couldn't believe that his sister would deny Aslan.

* * *

"Su? There's a meeting for the Friends of Narnia at the Professor's house," Peter said timidly. Susan merely turned to glare at him, then went back to writing the letter she was working on.

Peter walked over and picked up the letter.

"Really? A love note? Couldn't you at least be doing something productive? Like schoolwork?" he sighed.

"Seriously? You're the one going off and making believe," Susan said.

"All these guys just see you as a possession," Peter protested. "And ever since you stopped studying, you're making yourself into exactly what you never wanted to be, a pretty accessory for a boy to show off."

"Maybe that's all I am. Being strong, intelligent, and smart never got me what I wanted," Susan snapped back.

"What do you mean? Susan, those were some of your best qualities!" Peter protested.

"No boy wants a girl who is independent or who's better than him in masculine areas," Susan said, returning to her letter.

"And I used to think you'd eventually join one of those feminist groups," Peter said, shaking his head. "And you know exactly who would want a girl like that." Susan frowned, trying to think of what boy Peter was talking about, but coming up blank.

"Peter, we really need to get you a girl. Maybe then you'd understand," she giggled. "I know a bunch of girls who would be interested. Sooo many of my friends think you're cute, even if you're a little weird."

"I don't need a girl to date, I need my sister back to replace this silly shell of her that is sitting in front of me."

* * *

Susan heard her siblings return, but heard mention of Narnia, so she decided to steer clear.

"We're headed to the train station!" Edmund hollered up towards her room. "Wanna come?"

"No, I'm busy, Ed!" she called back down. She later wished she had. Better to die with all her siblings than to live on alone.

* * *

"Walk with me," Peter ordered Caspian. They walked through one of the many beautiful gardens in Aslan's country.

"What is it, High King?" Caspian asked. Peter gave him a strange look.

"Since when do you refer to me like that?"

"Oh, I just didn't want to do anything disrespectful that might accidentally start an argument. Especially since, you know, before, in the other Narnia, we yeah," Caspian stammered.

Peter smiled and gently put his hand on Caspian's shoulder, "And neither do I want to start any quarrel with you. But we're not longer hot-blooded young boys pointlessly fighting for power over each other rather than fighting together. And I've never been so ridiculous as to get angry over someone not using my title. Might get angry though if you keep using it," he joked. Caspian slowly grinned back.

"So, why did you want to walk with me? I figured you had something you wanted to tell me alone?"

"Not tell, ask," Peter said. Caspian inclined his head, inviting Peter to continue. "It's about my sister, Susan… You told Tirian the other day that you were still in love with her… but you're married."

"Peter, before you continue, I am not in love with my wife. She wanted to see the world away from her island and meet new people other than having only her father for company. I knew I needed a wife and heirs and she fit the necessary requirements for a queen and was, in fact, an excellent friend. But as far as being in love, we never were quite there even though we did care deeply about each other. Neither of us were, I'm absolutely sure. In fact, she's dropped hints about her interest in you, but you _definitely_ did not hear that from me," he grinned, poking Peter in the ribs and winking.

"Oh! Um… never had a man try to get me together with his wife before. That's definitely a first. Though maybe not an unwanted first… But anyways: Susan…"

"Do you think she'll find her way here?" Caspian asked.

"I don't know," Peter said.

"We've got to try to do something!" Caspian exclaimed. "We have to believe that deep down, she is still the legendary queen she was, not some pretty doll."

"She's turned into only a shell of that, her only good quality retained being her beauty, the one she used to care about the least," Peter said bitterly.

"Peter, she still has all those qualities, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. I love her, Peter, I love her! And if there's anything I can do to help her return to us, I swear I would do it. I would give up my life to let her believe again," he said, grabbing Peter's arm and shaking violently. Peter's eyes widened, and Caspian let go and suddenly mumbled, "Sorry."

"Sorry? About what? Caspian, I want my sister back too! She belongs here with us, not wandering alone there. And I would not be too unhappy if the two of you were together," Peter teased.

"So you're not going to run me through with a sword if I was with her?" Caspian joked. "Be honest."

"Honestly? … To be completely honest…I would be thrilled for you to _officially_ be my brother," Peter said, smiling and giving Caspian a hug. "Let's go to Aslan, the four of us, and ask if there's anything he'll let us do for her."

* * *

Susan had finally returned to school after sinking into deep depression for a month. She was still a hollow shell, throwing herself into her work. She ignored all her old girl friends who tried to cheer her up. Even though she looked a wreck, she was still beautiful and boys were flirting with her, but she ignored all of them. She wanted no comfort from anyone, no questions from anyone. She didn't even go to the funeral. They were dead. Gone forever. What was the point of funerals anyways? To stare at dead bodies that would never laugh again? Never play again? Never rule again- rule? What was she thinking? They never ruled; it was just a game.

"Students, we have a new student here today. This is Xavier, from Spain," the teacher announced.

"Thank you, Mr. Pearson," the students said with a thick accent. "Although I prefer to go by X."

"Like the numeral for ten?" some student called out.

Xavier grinned as though he was in on some private joke. "Yes, very much like that."


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow this story is getting a lot more complicated than I anticipated it being. But it's coming easily to me, so I might still have it done within the weekend. And I managed to actually get the Valentine's day scene in before the day was through. :)**

Xavier ran up to Susan as she was leaving class.

"Hello, I was wondering if you could tutor me in history. I'm not too good at um…Britanian history, being Tel-Spanish and all," he said, smiling at her.

"I'd rather not," she said coldly, hoping he would go away.

"Please? I already spoke with your aunt that you live with, and she thought it was a good idea. Besides, I heard that you were the best in your classes at history."

"Fine. Whatever," Susan said crossly, annoyed that he had involved her aunt in this.

"Thank you," he said, taking her hand and kissing it, lingering far too long over it.

Susan pulled her hand away and said, "I didn't know kissing ladies' hands was still in done in Spain. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the library."

"Can you show me where that is?" he asked eagerly. Susan rolled her eyes and walked past him, but he followed anyways.

For months, it continued like this. Xavier somehow popping up everywhere in her life as much as Susan tried to avoid him.

For Christmas, he got her a doll, one that held a bow and an arrow in her hands.

"She reminded me of you," he said. "Have you ever tried archery? I think you would be very, very good at it."

"No, never," Susan said coldly. "I'm afraid I did not think to get you a Christmas present, seeing as we are _not_ friends. In fact, I have no friends."

"You may not act like my friend, but I will always be yours," Xavier said softly. And sure enough, he always was around.

One day, Susan had finally had enough.

"Leave me alone!" she snapped at him. "Stop trying to be my friend, stop being around me. You are horrible at British or as you called it 'Britanian' history and will never understand it. Just leave me alone, you blithering nuisance!"

Xavier stepped back in shock. "I'm sorry if I overstepped in our…. acquaintanceship." He then did the oddest thing: he bowed to her. When he straightened up, Susan saw pain and … despair?... in his eyes and felt guilty.

"No, no, I overreacted. So, back to the War of Roses, okay?" she said.

"The war is rather like one in the game you used to play with your siblings, isn't it?" Xavier asked. "The second time you went back, and met Caspian that time?"

Susan snapped, "Get OUT! Get away from me! I NEVER want to see you here again!"

Xavier just stood there in shock, until Susan literally pushed him out of the house and went back in and locked the door.

Susan felt a twinge of guilt when she realized an hour later that Xavier hadn't left, but was sitting on the front porch.

* * *

"Go away!"

Susan woke up, confused. She got up and looked out the window and saw in the morning sunlight, Xavier and some blond guy outside of her house, arguing.

"No, I won't!" the blonde guy hissed back. "It's been months and all you've accomplished is her banishing you from ever seeing her again. So much for being able to handle it by yourself. I trusted that you'd be able to do it without our help. I trusted you!" He was angrily poking Xavier in the chest for emphasis.

Susan shivered. She could only expect that they were talking about her, but she did not know what they wanted with her.

"It takes time!" Xavier protested. "Give me more time! Have I ever failed you before? … wait, no don't answer that."

The blonde guy seemed oddly placated by his words. "No, you're right. You might have failed me before, but when it comes to saving her you've never failed."

_Saving… me? _Susan was growing more confused by the second.

"Thank you," Xavier said a bit brusquely. Susan thought that was rather rude of him, and apparently the blonde person seemed to agree.

"No need to be so rude about it. I meant it seriously. But since _he_ let me come back, I might as well help you out now. This time, let's concentrate on only fighting together, not fighting each other, kay?"

Xavier nodded. "Fighting by each other's side as brothers... oh, speaking of brothers, is yours here too?"

"No, he only sent me. It took all of us to convince him even of that. Especially since someone might recognize me and ask too many questions. Susan should recognize the two of us, but her mind managed to push everything Narnian away and I'm sure she'll just think it's an extraordinary coincidence."

Susan frowned, trying to look more closely at the blonde boy. She couldn't quite see his face to see what he looked like. And .. Narnian? What did this boy know of their old games? Susan shifted to try to see better and accidentally knocked a picture off of her dresser. It was a picture of her two brothers. The boys below looked up at the sound. Susan had just seen the face of the blonde boy. It was the face in the picture. It was the face of her brother Peter. She screamed and fainted.

* * *

"She saw me," Peter said hoarsely. Caspian, for of course it was he, glanced at Peter and quickly looked back up at the window. Peter gestured for Caspian to follow him. Caspian shook his head no. Peter gestured again and said, "C'mon, I know a back way that'll be climbable so you can attend to her."

"You have a strange definition of climbable," Caspian said wryly, but already scaling the wall anyways. The two of them climbed the wall, and Peter lead him towards the guest room where Susan was sleeping.

Susan woke and saw Cas-Xavier by her side.

"Hush, you've been having nightmares," he whispered, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Xavier?" she whispered. "What are you doing here? In my bedroom! How dare –"

She got cut off by the sight of her deceased brother walking towards here.

"I'm Caspian, remember?" Caspian said with a grin.

"From Narnia," Peter added. "Of course, since Narnia is not real, _logically,_ this must all be a dream."

"Yes, yes, that's the only logical explanation," Susan said, more trying to convince herself than anything.

"Susan, remember we love you. We need to go now, you need your rest," Peter said, taking his sister's hands into his own. Susan nodded, confused and happy and sad all at once.

"Peter, don't leave me. Even if this is a dream, don't leave me!" she cried. Caspian was hurt that she seemed to pay him no mind. Peter sat on Susan's bed and cradled her in his arms.

"Shhh, sweet sister, you were always so strong," Peter whispered.

"Because I had you, my rock to lean on."

"I'm still here. We all are. And Caspian. And Eustace misses you too. But we need you, our mother hen sister with us to be complete and to lean on too. We will leave, now, but will return to you soon." Peter nodded to Caspian as he stood. Caspian mouthed "one second" towards Peter. Peter frowned but said nothing.

"Remember, this is all just a dream," he said with an amused grin. He leaned in, placing his hand behind her head, and kissed her. Then he followed Peter out.

Susan laid back down on her bed, confused by all that happened. When again she woke, she could hardly believe what vivid dreams she had been having. But then she saw the smashed picture on the ground.

"Impossible," she whispered. "Impossible. I must have… I must have sleepwalked and knocked it over. Yes, that's the only logical explanation."

* * *

"So… any plan, genius?" Caspian asked.

"Wow, you have so much faith in me," Peter said sarcastically. "And yes I do. Monday is St. Valentine's Day."

"So?" Caspian asked. He had heard about it at school, but didn't really care or pay attention real well.

"So, it's your chance to make her fall in love with you all over again," Peter said.

Caspian chuckled. "I never thought I'd see the day where you were encouraging me to be romantic to your sister."

"Eh, well desperate times call for desperate measures," Peter joked. "Plus, I've gotten too close to your wife the past few months, so we're even I guess."

"Ex-wife. So, how exactly does this Valentine's thingy work?"

* * *

Susan was tempted to skip school on Valentine's Day. She had already been receiving way more Valentines than she wanted. Which was to say, more than the 0 she wanted. And yet somehow she ended up with Valentines from over half the guys in her year. They did all realize they were commemorating the anniversary of a guy being beaten, stoned, and then beheaded?

"Susan," she heard a thick Spanish voice call. She recognized it as Xavier's and crossed her arms, refusing to turn to him.

"I brought you something. Or somethings actually," Caspian said, walking around so she'd have to face him or else make a scene. He held out cookies. Burnt, chocolate chip cookies with frosting on them. Caspian wasn't sure why Peter had made sure that they were burnt since that seemed rather counterproductive, but Susan started crying.

"It's just like when Lu used to try to cook…" she whispered.

"And a few other things…" he continued.

He pulled a box out of his backpack. Susan took it and pulled the wrapping off. It was a chess set, just like Edmund's.

"Oh… I don't play chess. Not anymore," she said stiffly.

"Oh, well then how about this one last gift?" he said, pulling out tickets to the opera. "Come with me tonight?"

Susan mulled it over, eating one of the rather disgusting cookies. She nodded.

* * *

During the opera, Caspian slowly inched as close as he could to Susan in his chair. Then he yawned and put his arm around her, like Peter had told him too. It had actually been really awkward, Peter telling him how to get his sister to fall in love with him. But it looked like Peter was right. Susan stiffened for a second, but then relaxed and seemed less tense than before. By the end of the opera, she had placed her head on his shoulder.

* * *

"Just you tonight," Peter told Caspian. "Although if you take advantage of that, I'll be after you. My sister better still be a virgin tomorrow."

"I'm hurt that you think I would do anything like that to her," Caspian retorted. He climbed the wall again and walked to Susan's room. She woke as he entered.

"Where's my brother? Is he not going to be in my dreams tonight?" she said sweetly. Caspian was reminded of the angels he had heard about in stories he had read in his literature class. Caspian climbed onto her bed and cradled her head in his hands.

"He'll be back tomorrow night. Tonight, it's just you and me," Caspian whispered.

"As if I could trust anything a dream tells me," she responded.

"So Narnia still isn't real?" he said softly.

"No, it's not… logical. It's not logical. It's impossible," Susan said.

"Nothing's impossible. Not with Aslan," Caspian said. "Narnia is possible, seeing your family again is possible, and us working out despite the 1300 year age difference is possible."

Caspian leaned in and kissed her. Susan tensed, and then relaxed, just as she had at the opera. She ran her fingers through his hair and he grabbed her hair and stroked it. They kissed passionately and long. Susan then ran her hands down his chest. Caspian shifted to cradling her on his lap. She leaned back and eventually fell asleep in his arms.

"I love you, Queen of my heart," Caspian whispered, carefully getting out from under her without disturbing her rest and walking out.

When Susan woke, there was no evidence that last night had been anything but a vivid, incredible dream.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry about not checking my reviews until now! Thank you for all the love! **

** MCH: Sorry... Maybe next Valentines I'll write a story about her meeting a boy in England who's not Caspian :)**

** Just Me: I hadn't heard about that, but it makes sense. I always wondered too. **

** Guest: A little pointless for me to respond now, but yes, he is. **

** Pevensies49: didn't know maugrim said "long live aslan" lol jk. I was listening to ****_My Fair Lady _****songs while writing this fic because I've been pulling ideas from it about females being valued just by their exterior and this song came up referencing someone thinking she might be a Hungarian princess: . . I put a Hungarian prince in there because it was the first place in my fic that I could find to reference ****_My Fair Lady._**

** Tstark & IvoryMoonlight: Ahh, Thanks so much! 3  
**

** Girl on Fire: Yeah, that's my plan now, since apparently I don't know the definition of a "short fic" is. It's taken on a life of it's own, so I'm not gonna try to stop it from getting long if that's how long it takes to tell the story. **

Susan walked home alone as she was accustomed to doing. Suddenly, there he was again, that annoying Xavier, trying to wedge his way deeper into her life.

"Sometimes a walk alone is nice," Susan hinted.

"Could be dangerous, couldn't it?" Xavier grinned, though Susan hardly knew why he would.

"Yes, it could be dangerous. The type of guy who would put his arms around a girl in the opera might also be the type to take advantage of a girl walking home alone," Susan said coldly, quickening her pace. She didn't really think he would, but she hoped her harsh words would send him away.

"Yeah about that… What happened? I thought the courting, I mean date went well?"

"Please, X, just leave me along. Go find some other girl to fall in love with you. I'm broken; I cannot love. You… you're a nice guy, you deserve someone who loves you. Not someone like me who's just... a pretty shell of a person."

"I refuse to believe that. You never were nor ever will be simply your looks. And of course you can love. You simply love too much," Xavier said, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. She looked into his eyes and was frightened by the intensity she saw there. She didn't know what to make of it, so she started running so she could get away from him and clear her mind.

"Susan?! Susan!" he yelled, chasing after her, but she knew the area much better than he did and quickly slipped away from him.

But there was someone had been secretly following them who knew the area just as well, if not better, than her that was following them.

Susan threw herself into the bushes, far enough in trees to hide from the world. She thought no one would be able to find her, but then she heard a familiar voice.

"Alright there, miss?"

Susan gasped as she saw a man who looked perfectly identical to her brother whom she kept dreaming about at night.

"But… you… you're… how? I'm awake. What.. By the Mane! How are you alive?" she asked, her hand flying to her heart in shock.

The man smiled and reached out a hand to help her up.

"Sorry, I… I thought you were someone else. You look so much like him. My brother… Peter… never mind. What's your name, kind sir?"

"Simon," he said with a teasing grin, pulling leaves off of her. "We should get you back home, miss. You look a mess. Beautiful, of course, but that hardly matters as much as the mess inside."

"I always look a mess. Everyone I care about has died," she blurted out. His incredible resemblance to her brother made her feel comfortable around him.

"And then they are with God and perhaps happier than they were in this world," Simon said gently.

"Just my luck. You're one of those super-religious people. I don't… I'm not sure what I believe," Susan said.

"I understand. You know what's helpful? Talking about faith, rather than holding your doubts inside."

"I supposed you want me to tell you everything. All my deep dark secrets," Susan said sarcastically.

"Tell it to someone you trust. Someone who knows you well and will love you no matter what you say. You could even talk to your siblings, and they'll listen to you from where they are," Simon said gently. "So, um, where do you live?"

Susan looked up, and noticed that somehow Simon had been leading her towards her aunt and uncle's house accidentally.

"This way," she said, continuing the same way they had been walking to the house. When they reached it she said, "Thank you, I'm fine now."

"Alright. Goodbye Susan," he said. Only after she had gone inside did she wonder how Simon knew her name.

After frantically searching for Susan for awhile, Caspian ran to the house to see if by any chance she had returned there. While he was sneaking in to check it out, he heard two familiar voice. His heart sinking low, he realized Peter was with Susan. He grimly started trying to figure out how to mollify Peter's anger which was sure to be directed towards him. After Susan went inside, Peter walked away and Caspian ran up to Peter. The moment Peter saw Caspian he glared at him.

"Peter, please, I swear, I don't know what happened. I didn't do anything. I don't know what set her off," Caspian pleaded.

"You don't know what made my sister run away and go cry in some bushes?" Peter said sarcastically, shoving Caspian against a wall.

"Pete, please! I swear by Aslan himself, if I had known she was going to react so, I would have never approached her! You know I wouldn't!" Caspian implored, grabbing Peter's arms.

"What did you say to her?!" Peter snarled. He was tempted to shove or hit Caspian again, but held back, knowing that he would not have used Aslan's name if he wasn't absolutely sincere.

"I don't know! I asked her what went wrong with the date since she's been acting particularly cold towards me, but she wouldn't tell me. Then…" his voice faltered.

Peter balled his hands into fists. "Then what?! Caspian, you better not lie to me."

"I would never! Then she told me I should go find some other girl, because I was a nice guy and she thought I… deserve to be with someone capable of loving…" Caspian's voice faltered as tears started forming in his eyes. "Like I would want any girl but her, even if she's only a shell of what she was. And she's wrong. She is capable of love! It's love for you, her family, that made her this way, not lack of love!"

Peter unclenched his hands and was visibly less tense. He then surprised Caspian by slinging an arm around his shoulder. "She's lucky to have you."

"Um… thank you," Caspian said. "That's something I never thought you'd say. Although I don't quite agree. I think I'm the lucky one just to be able to be around her."

Peter smiled, now fully appeased by Caspian's loyalty to his sister. "So, continue with what happened."

"Not much. I told her I didn't believe her, about being incapable of love and just a pretty shell. She looked at me for a few seconds with this wild look in her eyes, and I tried to calm her by pushing back a strand of hair, but then she ran off. I tried to chase her, but she was too fast. Did… did Susan recognize you?"

"Yep, but then she decided it must be an extraordinary coincidence how much I looked like… well, myself. But, Caspian, there's some hope. She… she swore "by the Mane" at the shock of seeing me. She's started to revert back to her old habits. That's some success."

"What did you talk with her about?" Caspian inquired.

"Faith. How it is better to talk about your doubts with someone than it is to hold them in. Maybe, just maybe, she'll finally open up," Peter said hopefully.

"So, Pete, just checking, you're not too mad at me after all? You don't blame me for what happened?"

"Nah, but I blame you for her forgetting about Narnia," Peter said teasingly.

"What?! How do you figure that?" Caspian protested.

"Why do you think leaving Narnia hit her so much harder than the rest of us? What hurt so much that it was easier for her to pretend Narnia never existed?" Peter said with a smirk. He started walking off and Caspian silently trailed behind, thinking seriously about what Peter had said.

After a few minutes, Caspian caught up with Peter again and asked, "Do you really think so? She loved me that much? I... I hurt her that much?"

"She did. She didn't want to admit it, but she did," Peter said. Caspian thought it over silently for a few minutes, hardly believing that Susan could have loved him anywhere near as much as he had loved her.

"So do you have another plan?" Caspian finally asked.

"When do I ever not have a plan?" Peter teased.

"So you don't. If you did, you would have just said it," Caspian stated.

"I have a few ideas," Peter said. "I didn't just randomly talk with her about faith for no reason. She has to still have some belief. Maybe, maybe we were going down the wrong track, starting with trying to make her believe in Aslan. Maybe just belief in Christ will be enough, for I think they are one and the same. And then, if she believes in Christ, we could then get her to believe in Aslan and Narnia, even though she's denied Aslan twice already. Once to me before I died, once to the both of us the other night."

Caspian nodded. "I don't know much about Christianity, having only been here a few months, but something just felt so right about it when people talked about it."

That night, the two of them crept into Susan's room yet again.

"Caspian, you hide here. I will talk to her alone tonight," Peter whispered. Caspian frowned, but decided it was better to not argue with Peter. She was his sister after all.

"Susan," Peter whispered, gently waking his sister.

"Peter," she murmured, hugging him. "I saw someone who looked just like you today. So close you could be twins."

"I always wanted a long-lost twin," Peter joked. "What did this twin say?"

"He told me I should talk about my doubts. But I'm afraid. I pushed you away so many times when you wanted to talk about faith."

"Sister, you could push me away a million times and I'll always come back. There were times I pushed you away because I thought I could do everything on my own, and then you were always there when I invariably failed. That's what siblings are for. For so long, I was too stupid to realize it, thinking I had everything sorted all by myself. But we all need each other, and we're always going to be there for each other."

Caspian started feeling uncomfortable, like he was intruding on something incredibly private, and started wondering if Peter would mind if he snuck out.

Susan began crying and holding onto her brother. "I love you, dear brother. Why did you have to die? Why did you leave me?"

"Have faith and we will be reunited again," Peter promised, running his fingers soothingly through her hair.

"I will! I… I'll try to. What must I do, brother?" Susan asked.

Peter hesitated, not having planned for her being so amicable to the idea of faith. "Tomorrow, your friend Xavier will ask you out again, and he'll want to bring you somewhere. Go with him, no matter how strange the request seems."

Caspian frowned, wondering what Peter was talking about. This wasn't part of any plan he was privy to.

"I will. For you. And for Lucy and Edmund," Susan whispered.

"That's my good sister," Peter said fondly, rubbing her shoulders. He then got up and began leaving. "Farewell."

"Farewell," Susan said, falling back asleep.

The next morning, she got ready for school and saw a note on her desk. She picked it up and read it: _Remember what I said, royal sister. _

"Impossible," Susan said, crumpling up the note and tossing it inside. She missed that on the back it said: _We will always be there for our sister that we love so much. And all of Narnia is hopeful for their queen's return. _


	5. Chapter 5

"So, where exactly am I taking your sister and why did you not tell me of this before?" Caspian asked crossly.

"To a church," Peter responded. He elaborated after Caspian looked at him in confusion. "You learned about Christianity in class, right? Ever notice how remarkably similar it is to what happened in Narnia? Especially similar Jesus is to Aslan? Aslan told us to look for him in this world. Maybe if Susan can believe in God in this world, she'll be able to believe in Aslan in Narnia. Today's not a Sunday, so I'll see if I can round up a priest for you, since there won't be services going on."

At school, Caspian was surprised to see Susan had dressed nicely. In fact she had done her makeup, found neat clothes, and done up her hair. She hadn't made an effort to look nice for all these months after her family had died. However, Caspian wasn't the only one who noticed. When Caspian approached her, so did a rather attractive young man who was used to having his way with girls.

"Hey, Pevensie. Done with the stupid widow act? Ready to be fun again?" asked Theodore obnoxiously. Caspian gritted his teeth. He did not like that boy at all.

"A widow is a woman who lost her husband, idiot," Susan said flipping her hair over her shoulder. She had, much to her sibling's annoyance, had several flings with Theodore to try to get lost in his passionate make-out sessions and forget everything else, much like she had done with the American soldier. They had been in a relationship when the dreadful train crash happened, and Susan pushed him away after that.

Caspian couldn't help grinning at Susan's insult.

"Whatever. You haven't answered my second question, gorgeous," Theodore said, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

"Leave her alone," Caspian said, glaring at Theodore.

"You stay out of this. You don't know mine and Miss ice queen's history. C'mon, Su. You know I'm the only one who can make you forget your pain. You free after school?" Theodore said, playing with her hair.

Susan giggled, something she hadn't done in forever. She was feeling more like her old self, but the pain was still there. Maybe giving in to him would get rid of that pain, at least for awhile, and she could start getting her life back to normal.

"Mmhmm," she nodded. Caspian clenched his hands into fists in anger.

"Susan, if you're free, there's someplace I'd like to take you," Caspian enunciated.

"Get off of her, X," Theodore said. "The beauty queen's mine."

"She's not just some pretty accessory for you to show off," Caspian said, halfway out of his chair.

Susan gasped, perhaps remembering some past conversation. She put her hand to her forehead, attracting strange looks from the group that had gathered at the sight of a possible fight.

"What? You trying to claim she's yours?" Theodore said.

Caspian almost said yes, but then took a breath to calm himself and spoke more rationally. "No, that is not at all what I am trying to say. She is not a possession."

Susan looked down and covered her face with her hands. Caspian reached out to her, but Theodore grabbed and pushed him back.

"I said, get off her X… or I'll.. I'll X-terminate you," Theodore said, making his flunkies who were hanging about guffaw.

"Look, I'm not trying to cause any trouble," Caspian said, putting his hands up. "Just leave Susan alone."

"Oh yeah? Says the guy who kept trying to insert himself in her life? Don't think we haven't noticed ice queen over her pushing you away these past months. Hypocrite," Theodore sneered.

Caspian punched him. Three of Theodore's friends joined Theodore in trying to teach Xavier a lesson. This made it fair odds in Caspian's eyes. But then two more joined in the fight.

They had been fighting for a few minutes when Susan shouted, "Enough!"

Caspian instantly stopped fighting, as though she had given a royal command. One of Theodore's flunkies took advantage of this to get in another good punch.

"Theo, I'll go out with you today. Just… just stop beating him up," Susan said between her fingers. Caspian would have argued, but an even bigger crowd was forming and he wasn't sure how many would help Theodore.

* * *

Peter would've most likely punched Caspian, if he hadn't already looked like he'd been beaten far too much.

"You let my sister go out with that rascal?" Peter bellowed, being ever the overprotective brother.

"Peter, it was six against one!" Caspian pleaded, wincing and rubbing his jaw after talking.

"It hurt even to talk?" Peter said, worry quickly overtaking his anger. "C'mon Cas. We need to get you cleaned up."

Peter snuck them into Professor Diggory's old house which had yet to be sold and tended to Caspian, despite Caspian's protests.

"So do you know where he's taking her?" Peter asked, gently wiping some blood off of Caspian's face.

"Sort of. His house."

"I know where that is. Susan dragged me to a party there once. Cas, take off your shirt." Peter said.

"What? No!" Caspian protested.

"I can see you're bleeding under your shirt," Peter said sternly.

"You don't have to do that," Caspian protested yet again.

"Yes I do. You're my brother now, remember?" Peter said with a smile.

* * *

Susan was sitting outside on the porch, finally getting a moment alone from Theodore. Suddenly, Xavier was there.

"Seriously? What were you doing, stalking me?" she hissed. "This is really starting to freak me out."

"Do you really want to stay here? You can even blame me when your filthy boyfriend gets mad at you for leaving. Say I – what's the word? – kidnapped you," Xavier said, taking her hand and pulling her up.

"You do realize his dad has the police in his pocket so if I claimed that Theodore would make sure you got arrested?" Susan said argumentatively, but her haughty voice was nullified by her getting up.

"My lady," he said with a bow. He then offered his arm to her. Susan giggled and took it.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"You'll see." They walked the streets in silence together, but it was a peaceful silence, not awkward at all. When they stopped, Susan felt a bit let down that it didn't seem like it was a date at all.

"A church?" she said crossly.

"Please, come with me," Caspian pleaded to her. Susan melted at his gaze.

"Fine, whatever, X," she said, rolling her eyes, trying to avoid the feelings bubbling inside of her that now felt so foreign.

Peter had been successful in getting a priest to talk with them about Jesus. Peter had told the priest that two friends of his were interested in becoming Christian. Susan was technically already Christian and went to church every week, but since she stopped believing in Narnia, she stopped believing in Christ too and only went because first her parents then her aunt and uncle forced her too.

The priest talked to them for quite a long time, with Peter hiding in a pew, his face covered by the prayer book he was pretending to read.

"Jesus did not just die for those who believe in Him, but for everyone."

Susan's mind was not on a cross, but on a stone table. Evil creatures- hags, werewolves, minotaurs, etc – were gathered around, not Romans and Jews. She began shivering. A witch entered her mind, a wicked knife aloft.

"In fact, He reached out often to the Gentiles, showing He truly cared about those who did not believe and wanted them to turn to Him. At any point in your life, you can always call on Him and He will answer."

"No…. NO! I've called and called and have had no answer! If He really would answer, not answering me means that Jesus does not exist! And neither does God! Nor Aslan!" she ran out, leaving Caspian to hope that the priest did not ask who Aslan was.

"Um, I should go follow her," he stammered, running out. Tears started forming in his eyes as he realized he had failed again.

Suddenly Susan, Peter, and Caspian all heard a lion's roar.

"I've denied him three times," Susan whispered in fright. She looked around wildly, and then ran as far away as she could.

Caspian tried to follow her, but quickly lost her again.

"Caspian," a familiar upset voice said behind him.

"I've failed," Caspian said, grimacing at the reprimand he was sure would follow. "I will accept whatever you decide is my punishment for my failure, but please, I beg you, do not make it sending me back."

"You've not failed yet," Peter said, trying to keep his voice even and squeezing Caspian's shoulder. "I'll only accept you saying that when you've given up on her, which we both know is never going to happen. C'mon, I have a few ideas for where she probably went." Caspian shook his head, ashamed of himself despite what Peter had said.

* * *

After a few false tries at places that the Pevensies had often hung out, especially when upset, Peter was starting to get discouraged. Then he had another idea, although had to guess which one, since of course he was dead before they sent him and his family to the cemetery.

They found her kneeling on the ground and crying where the family was buried.

"Susan?" Caspian asked.

"Go away X," she said. Peter put a hand on her shoulder and she turned to look at him.

"Simon?" she asked. Peter put his arms around her and she placed her head on his chest, crying. He held her in place as she began convulsing. Caspian placed a hand on her back and rubbed it comfortingly. After a few minutes she began to sob more quietly and calmly. She looked up at her brother, tears still in her eyes. She gazed into his eyes for a few moments.

"Peter?" she asked timidly reaching a hand out to his face. "I know I am awake and not dreaming, so it must be you…" Peter stroked her hair and smiled, saying nothing. She turned around. "Caspian?!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews! **

Caspian took her hands into his, kissing them again and again. "I've missed you so much, my incredible queen."

"So you believe now?" Peter asked.

"Yes, how could I not?" she cried. "He must hate me. And… do they hate me?"

"Who?" Peter asked angrily, hand going to were his sword would have been if he had it as though he was ready to chop anyone who may hate Susan to pieces.

"How could anyone hate you, my perfect queen?" Caspian murmured.

"Aslan…I've denied him. And…. I guess since you are here with me, you do not hate me, but Edmund and Lucy?" she said despairingly.

"Susan! No one hates you," Caspian cried.

"We would Aslan send us back if he hated you? It's because he loves you he allowed us to return. But he couldn't send all of us. Otherwise of course they'd be here too," Peter promised.

"My queen, we should get you inside somewhere," Caspian said, putting his arms around her to pick her up.

"Don't call me that!" Susan shouted, flinching away from the two of them.

"Wha-what?" Caspian stammered.

"I'm no queen," Susan cried.

"I thought you believed now," Peter said upset.

"I do! I do! But what queen just… abandons her people?"

"You didn't, your majesty. It was your time to go home. No one sees it as abandonment," said Caspian as he reached for her hair to stroke it and comfort her. She pushed his hand away, accepting no comfort.

"We returned too, with you," Peter said.

"I know, I know. But I literally forgot they ever existed. How could they ever forgive me?" she whispered.

"Everyone already has, you majesty," Caspian whispered.

"Of course you'd say that," Susan said, not believing him. "Or if it is true, it's probably because they are too afraid to cross the two of you."

"Eh, that might actually– " Peter began, but Caspian shot him a look.

"Queen Susan, they forgive you because they see how much everyone who knew you loved you," Caspian said attempting to touch her again, but again she pushed him away.

"I don't deserve your love," she whispered.

"Of course you do! It is I who did not deserve your love and support, so soon after I had attempted to call your worst enemy," Caspian said, attempting and failing to touch her again. Peter shot him a look, having never realized just how quickly the two had fallen in love. "I had nothing to offer and had done nothing but harm Narnia. I was born of the people who had ripped your country away from your people. I was a traitor, and you were… you were the queen of legend."

"I loved you because you loved me," she whispered. "Because you saw me as more than my beauty. But that is all I am now." She got up, crying, and began walking away. Both boys sprang to their feet and walked on either side of her, protesting what she had just said.

"Don't argue, you know it to be true. I completely fell apart when you and the rest of my family died. Or so I thought… are you alive in Narnia? And Caspian, I heard you had died in Narnia…" Susan asked, confused. She was glad for the chance to change the subject.

The boys quickly explained Aslan's country to her, and she was amazed.

"Can… can you just give me some time to take all this in?" she asked.

"Of course, your majesty," Caspian said, taking her hand. He was delighted when she did not pull away.

"Whatever you need, Su," Peter said. He was unable to hide the disappointment in his eyes however, and Susan knew he was wishing she would go with them right then.

"My queen, we should get you home. It's getting rather late," Caspian said, caressing her hand lovingly. She nodded silently, and the boys began escorting her home. She looked confused at Peter when he suddenly ducked behind a tree and hid.

"Theodore," Caspian said flatly.

"I thought I told you to stay away from my girl," he said, flanked by his goons.

"I'm not a possession," Susan said haughtily. Caspian smiled at seeing her acting as the queen she had once been and would be again.

"And what does that idiot have to offer? You belong with me," Theodore said, grabbing her arm. Susan suddenly had an idea and had to keep herself from laughing at the ridiculousness of it.

"Hm, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Remember how overprotective my brothers could be?" she said a bit too sweetly.

"They're dead," Theodore said, rolling his eyes.

"Yes, but Peter especially was so overprotective, why would that stop him from haunting you if you tried to do anything to me?"

Peter caught on to what Susan was suggesting and had to restrain from laughing.

"Shut up, b****," Theodore said, slapping her.

Peter stepped out from behind the tree. "Don't you dare touch my sister."

All the boys suddenly lost their tough demeanor at the sight of what they could only assume was a ghost and ran away like little boys.

The three of them all laughed at the sight and were in a much better mood as they continued on to the Scrubb house.

"I'll be fine from here," Susan said, dismissing them.

"We want to stay with you, your majesty," Caspian pleaded.

"Well, not me. Unless you want our aunt and uncle to think I'm haunting them too," Peter joked.

"I'll be alright alone for a bit. It'll give me some time to sort things out on my own," Susan lied. Caspian frowned, ready to argue, but Peter tapped him on the shoulder and shook his head no. Susan hugged and kissed the cheeks of both of them and then went inside.

She went to her bedroom and grabbed some luggage. She began packing the basics she would need to leave. The boys were probably right about most everyone forgiving her. But she could not accept such forgiveness. She no longer deserved to be a queen. The boys deserved to return to Aslan's country though, and she knew they never would if they were still at her side, leaving running away as her only option.


	7. Chapter 7

Susan snuck out into the garage and threw her bags in the car that she had inherited from her parents. She hesitated, then went back inside to leave her aunt and uncle a note so they wouldn't worry. They might not like her much, but they were her relatives and did actually care for her, even if they didn't particularly show it.

It was still dark out and it started raining. Susan was having trouble seeing through the rain as it poured harder and harder. Yet she continued driving onwards, desperate to put as much distance as possible between them. They must return to Narnia without her.

Suddenly, she saw movement up ahead. There was a little boy in the street. She swerved to avoid hitting him and saw a lamppost. She slammed down on the brakes, but it was too late. Pain raked through all of her body and her vision blurred. She crawled out of the car, onto the hard, cold ground. She could move no longer, and laid there to die.

As she laid there in the rain, in pain and dying, she stared at the lamppost. Suddenly, she realized there was snow on the lamppost. She felt the ground and realized it was still wet, but it was wet with snow, not rain. She looked up and realized it was snowing, even though there was no snow expected that week. Her pain was fading away as well. She looked to see her injuries and was confused when she realized she was wearing her coronation dress. She got up and walked to the lamppost. It was the one in Lantern Waste. She smiled as she stroked its cold metal. She looked around herself. This was indeed Lantern Waste. She recognized it, every single leaf. But it was far better than she remembered it being. Each color was richer, each detail more refined. She laughed and spun around in the snow. "Impossible," she whispered.

She reached to her head and realized she was wearing her crown. Then her delight was gone as she remembered what she had done. She took it off, saying, "I no longer deserve this."

A warm voice from behind her said, "Once a king or queen of Narnia…"

"Always a king or queen of Narnia," Susan finished. "Oh, Aslan!" She ran to him and fell to her knees, burying her face into his mane and crying.

"Susan, Daughter of Eve, do you love me?"

"Yes, Lord, you know that I love you," Susan cried, stroking his golden fur.

He asked her this twice more, one time for each time she had denied him, her heart grieving more each time he asked.

"Aslan, where are we?" Susan asked.

"You are in my country now. Whether you stay or not depend on what is in your heart."

"My heart has always been with Narnia. It was my mind that betrayed her and you."

"Indeed," Aslan said, breathing on her. Susan felt much calmer.

"Aslan, how can I ever make up for my betrayal, my denials?" she implored. She was not ready to accept her place as queen, but ready to undertake any trials that she must to be worthy of it again.

"You were left behind in the Shadowlands to suffer alone as penance for forgetting Narnia. There remains but one task for you now before you will return to Cair Paravel and retake your throne," Aslan said. "You must learn to forgive yourself and embrace yourself as the queen that you once were. You remember the way to Cair Paravel?"

"Of course. It was my home," she said, turning her head to look to where she knew Cair Paravel was, even though she could not yet see it.

"Go directly there, but speak to everyone who approaches you along the way," Aslan instructed. "They will help you on your journey." Susan bowed her head and Aslan breathed upon her and disappeared. She rose and walked towards Cair Paravel.

"Hello, Queen Susan," a woman with ethereal beauty said, walking directly up to Susan and taking her hands into hers.

"My lady, I do not think I know you?" Susan asked.

"Forgive me, I've heard so much about you that I feel as if I do. Caspian spoke of you constantly, he loved you so much. I am Liliandil. I used to be his wife," she said.

Susan looked away. "You must despise me for it."

"Nay, for I only wish for him to be happy. We loved each other, but not as a husband and wife should. Please, he will only be at peace once you can forgive yourself and return to him," Liliandil said, touching her cheek lightly. "I was his closest friend. I knew how much his heart ached for you."

"As he must be disappointed that I failed as a queen of Narnia."

"From what I have heard from your siblings, it was from too much love, not a lack of love that you forgot Narnia. That is no vice," she said softly.

"You are being too kind to me, despite my keeping your husband from loving you as he should a wife," Susan said.

"That was his choice, not yours. And the slight pain of knowing that the love of his life may soon be returning was assuaged by my heart finding love. I hope that your brother Peter and I have your blessing," Liliandil said with a hopeful smile.

"Of course!" Susan exclaimed, although rather surprised. She then laughed, the first genuine laugh of delight she had since forgetting Narnia. "All this time, I kept trying to get him together with various girls, and he finally finds one without my prodding him at all?"

"From our conversation, your heavy heart lightened enough to laugh. May the next person you meet teach you what it means to forgive yourself," she said, embracing and kissing Susan on the cheek. "Now go on towards Cair Paravel. You'll need a place to sleep the night though. I recommend stopping by the Beaver's dam for the night."

A light then came out from her heart, enveloping her and she turned into just an orb of light and flew up to the heavens.

"A star?" Susan gasped in amazement.

Susan traveled onto the Beavers, eager to see her old friends. But they were not the ones waiting for her there.

"Edmund?" she said, pleasantly surprised. The other was not such a pleasant surprise. "_Eustace?_"

"Royal sister," Edmund said formally, standing and embracing her in the traditional kingly manner.

"Hey cousin," Eustace said, significantly less formal.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"We're here for you of course," Edmund said.

"Because we care about you," Eustace added.

"Ah, I'd believe that about Edmund, but you?" Susan asked skeptically.

"Yeah, I used to be a jerk. Sorry about that," Eustace said openly with a shrug. "Thankfully, Lucy and Edmund didn't ask Caspian to throw me back overboard when we first got to Narnia."

"We would never have… probably," Edmund protested. Eustace laughed. Susan couldn't resist smiling a little. Then Edmund grew serious. "Because we're family! And family is… always there to welcome you when you're ready." Susan realized that he wasn't just talking about Eustace but also himself and… her.

"It's different, Ed," Susan said, shaking her head.

"You're right, it is," Eustace said. Edmund and Susan turned towards him in confusion. "What? It is! I never was friends with all of you. We had no good past history to make you want to treat me as a welcome part of the family, but you and Lu did. Whereas you, Susan, have years and years of history with your family that weren't erased by just a year or so of trying to separate yourself from Narnia."

Edmund and Susan were both surprised at how strongly Eustace seemed to feel about it.

"And Susan, you forgave me even though I could have caused our family's death by going to the White Witch," Edmund said, taking her hands in his. Susan felt like she was about to cry. Edmund hugged her, and she buried her face into his chest, letting the tears now flow free.

"Shhh, shh. It's alright," Edmund murmured comfortingly.

"Um, I'll just… uh…. I'm tired, I think I'll go to bed for the night," Eustace said awkwardly while sidling out, uncomfortable with all the emotion going on. Susan laughed, but the tears made it sound more hysterical than anything.

"You should rest too. You have a long journey ahead of you still," Edmund said, leading to a back room that Susan didn't even know exist that had human sized beds. She looked at him quizzically and he shrugged. "We knew you were coming, and I was going to just set up a tent, but the construction workers were a bit zealous and insisted on building an extra room. And… so were the dressmakers. You have quite an assortment of outfits to pick for tomorrow."

"Why did they..?"

"Because to most of them, you're still a legend. The rest of us have become real to them, but you are a legend that they are eager to meet. You've been quite the talk of Narnia, especially amongst some of the men, which did not make Caspian happy while he was here. And the gossiping has only amplified since Caspian went back for you and especially when Peter went back."

"I thought I was in Aslan' country?" Susan asked in confusion.

"It is one and the same. The old Narnia is no more, but it is alive as Aslan's country."

She rubbed her head in confusion. Edmund noticed and gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Sleep, dear sister. You've had quite a day and you're really going to need the rest for tomorrow," he said ominously. He pulled the sheets back for her and tucked her in.

Susan laughed. "This feels backwards, you tucking me into bed."

"Well, now I get to repay you for all the times you've taken care of me," Edmund said with a smile. Then he grinned mischievously. "Ah, what the hell, since I'm acting like a mother anyways." He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. "Goodnight."

The next morning, some birds had apparently delivered breakfast for them – Edmund's favorite, toast – and the boys ate with her.

As Susan prepared to leave, Edmund went up to her. "Sister, remember that you _must_ speak with everyone you meet. And I'm afraid the next person is not somewhat you would have wanted to speak with if you didn't have to."

"Who is this person?"

"You'll see," Edmund said, hugging her. "Farewell. Next time we see each other, we will be at Cair Paravel."

They had given her a very fast enchanted boat to ride down the river, which helped her make better time. She rode it down to somewhere near the Shuddering Woods. She ate lunch that Edmund and Eustace had given her, but noticed that there was no dinner, so the person must be meeting her around then. In the evening as she approached Beruna, she smelled food, and came across a table set for a feast. There were two Calormene men at the end. They both rose to their feet at the sight of her. One she knew she had never met before. The other looked vaguely familiar. She frowned, trying to figure out who he might be. He was dressed in simple garments, and that was what made her not recognize him at first. He walked towards her, kneeling and kissing her hand.

"Queen Susan!" he cried.

"Get away from me, Rabadash!" she cried, yanking her hand out of his grasp and turning to run away.


	8. Chapter 8

Susan tried to run away from Rabadash, horrified to see the man she had nightmares of for so long in front of her once more.

"My lady, please! Do you not think I must have changed if Aslan allows me in his country? And you know the Great Lion would know my heart and intentions, and if they were what you before knew them to be, he would never have allowed me to see you again."

The love in Rabadash's voice when he spoke of Aslan calmed Susan, even though her heart was still pounding from fear. That, and the lack of oily Calormene speech. And, now she noticed his common clothes, a far cry for the clothes of a Tisroc. This certainly was not the Rabadash she was familiar with.

"And who are you?" she asked, looking over the other Calormene to waste time before having to face Rabadash.

"May it please your majesty, my name is Emeth," he said, kneeling on both knees in from of her and crossing a hand over his heart. Susan signaled for him to rise, which he did, even though he still kept his head bent. "Even though I have searched for Tash and been a Calormene soldier fighting against Narnians my whole life, the Great and Merciful Aslan saw fit to allow me, an accursed barbarian, into his illustrious country. He said that I would not have worked so long or hard to find Tash if I had not been searching for him."

"And you understood him?" Susan asked.

"Not entirely, but I was gladdened by his presence and was inspired to stay by what I had heard of Narnian legends," Emeth said, before his eyes shifted guiltily, his face turning. He quickly looked away from her. Susan sighed, knowing that look in boys, but she wasn't genuinely upset with him.

"Well, we welcome you to Narnia, Sir Emeth, " Susan said gently, falling into the role of queen without even realizing it. She extended her hand towards him.

"Thank you, your majesty," Emeth said, bowing low and kissing her hand.

"And you?" Susan said, turning to Rabadash and raising an eyebrow. She was rather surprised that he had stood by patiently while she talked with Emeth.

"Come, my queen. Let's eat," Rabadash said rather cheerfully. Susan's eyebrows rose high. Rabadash _cheerful_? Forget that this would be an unusual situation for anyone to be cheerful in. Susan had never seen the Calormen genuinely smile even when he did have something to be happy about. "You must be starving."

Susan allowed him to lead her to the table and seat her. She was pleased to see the food was Narnian, not Calormene fare. "Tisroc," she began.

"Please your majesty, just Rabadash," he said, lifting a hand to stop her. "The title Tisroc is for one who belongs to Tash, and I belong to Aslan now, which is why I am allowed in Aslan's country."

"Yes, about that. What happened?" she said, getting to the heart of the matter. Rabadash stared guiltily at his food, understanding her implied accusation. After a moment, he began his tale.

"Because I could not leave the city for fear of being turned back into a donkey, I withdrew into myself and became more of a scholar. Soon I turned to reading the great works of the other countries, starting with Narnia. I must admit though, at first my main motivation in doing so was in hopes of impressing you someday. But the more I read, the more I regretted my actions and understood yours. I decided I would try to rebuild relationships between our countries, in hopes that mine would learn from yours. But I was too late. The only response to my apology that I sent was it being returned with a note saying the four of you were gone. My father's spies confirmed it. I began reverting to my old, cruel ways out of bitterness. But then, _he_ came to me."

"He?" Susan asked, although she already knew who it must be. Who else could change a person's heart so much?

"Aslan. He told me that you were not dead but merely returned to the home of your ancestors. I asked him to bring my apology to you, but he refused. Instead, he told me I could see you again once you had died in his country if I saw the error of my ways and repented. I asked him how and he told me I already knew in my heart."

"Did you?" Susan asked quietly.

"I tried. But the Calormene Tarkaans and Tarkheenas were resistant to the changes I tried to bring about once I was Tisroc."

"Of course they would be," Susan said disapprovingly. "What sort of changes?"

"I tried to alleviate the conditions of the slaves throughout Calormen. I gave all of my own slaves their freedom. I also banned human sacrifice, although it still often happened and the ban wasn't enforced well. I… I also married… a common slave girl from the Lone Islands who had been captured and sold to one of my brothers. I fell in love with her. She actually reminded me of you. She never lost her Lone Islander, Narnian ideals. She refused to follow commands, insisted on being treated equal to men, opposed the idea of slavery. She despised me at first, but when I freed all my slaves, she began to view my differently and asked if she could help me in my crusade to change Calormen."

"Will I get the chance to meet her?" Susan asked, some warmth returning to her voice. She was eager to meet this girl.

"We live in the Lone Islands which is also part of Aslan's country, where her old family home exists again. Emeth and a few other Calormens also live there, but most of the Calormens who made it to Aslan's country still feel more comfortable in this world's Calormen."

"I will be sure to visit you then," Susan said with a light smile.

"So… you forgive me?" Rabadash asked anxiously.

"If what you tell me is true," Susan said genuinely. "Then I forgive you whole heartedly." Rabadash bowed his head in acceptance.

"But the real question is, do you forgive yourself?" Emeth asked. He had been so quiet that Susan had almost forgot that he was there. But his question hurt her. She didn't know. Forgiveness was something she had never had an issue with. In fact, she had hardly ever thought for more than a second before forgiving another. That was why she had a reputation as the Gentle Queen. The Gentle and the Just, always working together to help criminals find the pathway to redemption, rather than punishment. But to forgive herself was another matter entirely. She saw what they were trying to do. She understood their arguments. But did they not see the standards she held herself to? And there was nothing she could do to earn forgiveness as Rabadash had. She crossed her arms across her body and shook her head. Rabadash looked desperately over at Emeth, clearly not expecting that response.

"I'm afraid I am rather tired. Is there a place I could retire for the night?" Susan asked, folding her hands in her lap.

"Oh course, your majesty," Rabadash said reluctantly. Both men rose and led her to a nearby house. Rabadash said, "We will leave you now. Farewell." They both bowed and left her. Susan hesitantly knocked on the door, not knowing who to expect next. She heard someone seeming to knock something over in their haste to get to the door. The door opened and she was confused to see Caspian standing there with a childish grin on his face at the sight of her.

"Queen Susan," Caspian said. He began to embrace her, then pulled back when he realized that she didn't respond in kind and had stiffened. "Sorry, my queen."

Susan laughed bitterly. "Why would you apologize to me? I'm the one who forgot Narnia, who treated you as Xavier horridly, who ran away –"

"Whoa, slow down there. I was talking about embracing you when it was clear you didn't want it. I – I don't want to do anything to you that you are not comfortable with," Caspian said, wringing his hands together to resist the temptation to touch her. Susan saw and took his hands in hers gently. Caspian would never have said so, but he was relieved and elated to have her comforting him. He would never pressure her in any way to do anything she might be uncomfortable with, but he had longed for her for so long that even this touch felt like pure bliss.

"I feel rather tired. Will you still be here when I wake, or will you disappear like a dream again?" Susan teased, remembering the nights he was "in her dreams."

"I'll be here, your majesty. I promise," Caspian said, lifting her hand and kissing it softly. She smiled as he let go.

"Oh, and Caspian?" she said, a teasing glint suddenly in her eye. Caspian had no clue what caused that glint, but his spirits soared. She was acting like herself again. It couldn't be long now until she was able to retake her place as queen.

"Yes, your majesty?"

"Well, two things actually. Number one, stop referring to me by my title," she said, with a mockingly disapproving look. Caspian chuckled and nodded with a grin.

"And number two?"

"Do my brothers know about this? It seems highly inappropriate that we should sleep alone under the same roof," she said.

Caspian smiled and hugged her. "I'm glad you're acting like your old self again. And yes, they know. They have the executioner ready in case I try take advantage of you at all."

"I'm shocked! They aren't planning on doing it themselves?" Susan gasped in mock disbelief, knowing he was joking.

Caspain chuckled. "Well, it's not like there would be much left of me to kill. I'm pretty sure if I forced myself on you, you would strangle me before they would have a chance to get to me." Susan laughed and hugged him back.

"You bet I would," she teased. She then grew somber. "Caspian, why are you here?"

"Do you not want me here?" he said, the pain apparent in his eyes. Susan quickly comforted him by running her fingers through his hair.

"Yes, of course… but everyone else was here for a purpose. Liliandel, it seemed to be telling me that the Narnians did not blame me for what happened and wanted my return. And letting me know that you were still available," she said, stroking Caspian's hair when she mentioned him. He hesitantly reached for her hair. She noticed his hesitation and nodded with a sly grin. He smiled and began stroking her hair slowly, savoring each stroke.

"And then Ed and Eustace. They were reminding me of when we forgave them so easily without a second thought. And then Rabadash and Emeth, letting me know Aslan's country is for all who repent their ways. But why are you here?"

"I'm here for you," Caspian said evenly, evading the actual question. "You should rest. It's been a long day."

"Answer my question first," Susan insisted.

"Hm… I don't think you quite understood the full reason why they came to help you," Caspian said hesitantly. "But come, rest always helps."

Susan frowned, but nodded and Caspian led her to a back room. He took her hand gingerly into his and said, "Goodnight… my love." He bowed and kissed her hand. He then let go reluctantly and turned to leave.

After a few steps, Susan called out, "Caspian! Wait." He paused and turned around. She quickly closed the small distance between them.

"Yes?"

"I… I just…"

He took her hands into his again and pulled her in close, his eyes asking the question that he did not speak. She went on tip toe and pulled one of her hands out from his, raising it to stroke his cheek. He felt his skin tingle and put his arms around her waist to pull her in closer, wanting more of her.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you for… everything."

"No, thank you," he murmured. "I would never have been the king that I was if it wasn't for what you told me in How that one day."

"The day I first realized I might be in love with you," she whispered.

"I knew from the moment I saw you," he responded. "You should rest."

"Yes… yes," Susan said, shaking her head to get rid of any fantasies of what they could be doing other than resting. "I should… you should as well. Goodnight." She went on tip toe again to give him a chaste kiss on the lips and then turned, headed towards her cabinet. He watched her, entranced by every move she made. "Um…Caspian? I'm about to change into nightclothes…"

"Oh!" he blushed. "Sorry." He turned and quickly left. Susan changed and lay in the bed. She remembered the night he was talking about vividly. Caspian had been so terrified of her reaction. And yet he had come to seek her forgiveness. She didn't think she did anything too great that day. She honestly was mad at him for a good portion of it. But then she did forgive him quickly… and had to convince him that what he did was not so unforgivable for he had found it hard to believe they forgave him or cared about him. But Liliandel, what reason did she have…? But the two most important men in Lilandel's life, Peter and Caspian, were both men that Susan's had affected. And as for Edmund, he had often told her that that if it wasn't for her convincing Peter to show his love for Edmund, he would have probably turned bitter again. And she was the one who often reminded him he can't always be blaming himself. And Eustace… she had always tried to reach out an unwanted hand towards him. But it didn't have any effect, did it? At least none that she knew of… But Rabadash had been very clear that Susan absolutely had an effect on him, and by extension, all of Calormen. And Emeth's blush seemed to imply that she had factored into his interest in Narnia. So perhaps it was more than just them caring about her… they had been affected by her, and several of them need her to learn to forgive themselves and move on to being a better person. She had never realized before that her life was so important to so many. She drifted off to sleep with this thought on her mind.

* * *

The next morning, Caspian tapped lightly on Susan's door, hoping she would want to see him.

"Come in, Caspian," she said. Her voice sounded like beautiful bells to him. He opened the door slowly. He quickly averted his eyes when he realized she was still in her nightclothes. Her hair was loose and tangled around her, but Caspian found it still incredibly attractive. "It's alright. If I didn't want you to see me in this, I would have changed."

"Your brothers are going to kill me," Caspian muttered, but he looked anyways and was not disappointed. She smiled at him, making his heart soar. She crawled towards him on her bed and beckoned for him to come over and sit on the edge of it. His palms got sweaty, but he could hardly say no. He sat there and extended a hand out. She took it and he pulled her closer towards him in a tight embrace, running his hand up and down the small of her back. She laid her head on his shoulder.

"Thank you, Caspian. I … I think I understand now," Susan said warily.

He moved her so he could look her in the eye and cupped her chin in his hand. "What do you understand?"

"That many of those I have met learned to forgive themselves as well – all but Liliandel, just like I have to," she said.

"And who taught most of them self-forgiveness and helped them down a path to be a better man?"

Susan was silent for a moment. "It's hard for me to believe it."

"But it's true."

"I think I can forgive myself now," Susan said hesitantly.

"Are you sure?" Caspian pressed. Susan remained silent, placing her head on his chest. He didn't know what to do. He then realized that Susan was crying again. He hugged her, rocking her back and forth like a child. "Susan? Susan?"

"Yes!" Susan suddenly said a bit too forcibly. "Yes! I can. It was wrong of me to forget Narnia, but as Aslan said, once a king or queen of Narnia…"

"Always a king or queen of Narnia," Caspian finished the familiar words.

"It's time for me to return," she said with more confidence than she truly felt.

"There's something first. Susan, I want you to know, you don't owe me anything. I did this because I cared about you. I love you and want to be with you, but I don't want you to feel forced to be with me because I helped you." Caspian grabbed her hands. He wanted her so badly, but it had to be her own willing choice, not some sense of guilt or debt.

"Caspian?" Susan said, her face giving nothing away. His heart pounded as he anticipated her response. He figured she would have looked happier if it had been a yes, and he turned to leave. She then grabbed the front of his shirt to make him face her. Her lips slowly curled into a suggestive smile. Caspian never knew his heart could beat this fast. "That was the most romantic thing I've ever heard."

"Really?" he blurted out.

She grinned and twisted her body so she was practically sitting in his lap. Caspian could hardly breathe. He slowly put his arms around her waist.

"A man who loves me enough that he would travel to another world and expect nothing in return?" she said sweetly, pushing a strand of hair behind his ear. "You're perfect." She pulled him close and kissed him passionately. Caspian hadn't realized it at the time, but she had been holding out on him before. This was more incredibly than anything he had ever experienced. He ran his arms up and down her body as she yanked her fingers through his hair. Somehow they ended up on the bed, Susan lying on top of Caspian. They lost of how much time they spent together in their embrace, kissing and feeling each other's bodies. Eventually they both pulled back breathlessly.

"Cair Paravel… we should go there… so we could be there before it's late out," Caspian panted.

"Right… Cair… home.. my family…Narnians…we should get going," Susan said breathlessly. "C'mon, let's get going." She pulled him up with her and began heading out.

"Um… Susan?"

"Yeah?"

"As much as I hate myself for pointing this out since I love how you look in it, you probably don't want to go out in your nightdress…"

"Oh… good point." Susan changed and they quickly ate breakfast before heading out. Two horses were waiting for them. Susan could tell by their faces that they were not talking horses.

"Caspain, what will it be like? Returning I mean?" she asked hesitantly.

"Don't worry about it Su. Everyone's excited to see you. I think they're planning a ball for you as well," he added.

"Great… so no chance I can just quietly sneak in like nothing happened," she muttered.

"Hey, don't worry. It's just that most of them have yet to meet you, and those who have love you absolutely. Heck, some of those who have yet to meet you already love you absolutely. The human guys have been driving me and your brothers crazy with their inappropriate talk about you," Caspian joked, leaning over to muss her hair. She smirked.

"Seriously, though. I'm kinda nervous," she admitted. Caspian realized she was opening her heart to him and was touched. He guided his horse to move up right next to hers and stopped.

"Susan," he said, taking his hands into hers. "It'll be alright. You know why?"

"Because you'll be at my side?" she said with a slight smile.

"No… I mean I will be, but it's because you are the strongest, most fearless woman I have ever known. If you can face war, torture, pain to protect those you love, you can easily face this."


End file.
